After Alexandria’s birth, I wanted to devote all of my time to raising her the way I would’ve wanted my father to do to me when I was younger. Instead of scorn and disappointment, I want to shower her with affection and care. Instead of pointing out her flaws, I want her to be proud of who she is. I want to open the vast possibilities this world has to offer instead of choosing a path for her. I want to give her the childhood I never got, the love I never received, and the support I never felt.
Because of this, I left my affairs in the care of my retainers and officers and would only receive occasional reports about everything. I knew that Ziba would eventually need its queen once more, but my baby is more important than anything. I told them that I would take back my position once my princess has awakened, but my heart wasn’t with my decision. I couldn’t bear the thought of being separated from her even for a moment.
“We found them.”
Hulda, Zilpa, and Devorah came to visit me at home after three months since Alexandria’s birth. I have been recuperating at home since then and told me the news in my living room.
“Where?”
I ask Hulda while folding my princess’ newly made clothes. I had to make up for all the lost time because of my foolishness.
“In Fiera City. If we act now, we can eliminate them all in a yearrr.”
It was Devorah who answered me this time. He was a burly man with an eyepatch. He had neatly kept his thinning blonde hair to the back as he leaned forward, placing a stack of papers on the table in front of us.
“No, only observe them from a distance. Build decoy villages and branches to increase our defense. Also, have our lizard tails make tracks all over the continent. That should keep them busy for a while.”
“What do ye mean no? Lady Xandra, if we don’t blow them to the ground now, they’ll come aft even stronger an’ turn us into shark bait!”
“And then what, Devorah? Lead them here and turn Ziba into a battleground? We can’t lure them to briny deep because they’re too smart to fall for it. We also can’t boldly go after them since we’re buccaneers and not bandits. I can’t risk my princess experiencing something as bloody as that at such a young age. She’s just a baby!”
“They be parasites! If we let them swim around fer too long, they’ll only grow nonstop an’ grab us from behind! Just like what they did to the late king!”
“I said no, Devorah. There are kids in here, and I won’t take them to the islands and let them experience the life of a pirate until they can think for themselves. Do you really want them to live the way we did back in the day? Do you want Uri to experience starting as a powder monkey as soon as she can walk until she can work her way up into a decent position in a Jack?”
Devorah was silent for a moment before resting his back on the chair, folding his arms as he looks away.
“Tsk, this here be why– “
“Devorah!”
“Zilpa, let him finish.”
“But, my lady– “
“Why– !”
“Why what, Devorah? Why you wanted Javier as King instead of me? My brother Javier, who drank the poison he intended for me because he thought it was a clap of thunder? Is that it?”
“Lady Xandra, I think Devorah is three sheets to the wind this morning. That’s the reason why he said something outrageous as wanting the late Javier to take your position. Please forgive him.”
Devorah huffed, placing his leg over to his right while refusing to look or apologize to me. If we had this conversation three months ago, I would’ve tied a hempen halter around his neck and made him dance with Jack Ketch. But I have my princess with me now, and I wouldn’t want her to see me do something so troublesome.
I look over to the other end of the room where Leo had built Alexandria’s crib. She was sitting down, looking at us with her eyes filled with curiosity. How can she look so captivating even if she’s doing nothing?
I let out a sigh that had all my earlier irritation of Devorah, placing the pile of clothes that was on my lap on the side.
“It’s all right, Hulda. Just leave this month’s quota and be dismissed. I need to take care of my baby.”
“By your will, Lady Xandra.”
My baby was the quietest baby I have ever seen. I wasn’t sure whether I was doing a proper job in raising her. It was because of her silence that I have to guess what she wanted all the time. She would quietly receive everything I give her, even if her meals were hours apart. I was always anxious about her well-being.
Was it normal for babies like her to be that silent? Was it all right for babies like her to rarely talk? Thankfully, Leo always comforted me whenever he was home.
I opened up a lot to him after Alexandria’s birth. I believed that having an amicable relationship with my child’s father was better than seeing him as nothing but a means to an end. He even convinced me to try and conceive another child, but I never experienced the same ecstasy he undergoes whenever we do it. Perhaps alcohol was the decisive factor when making a child.
Months continued to pass, and my anxiety never went away. No matter how much I tried to raise my baby differently than my father, I had no way of knowing if what I was doing was the right thing to do. I suppose this is what it means to be a mother.
Although Leo was doing his best in alleviating my worries, the way he makes Alexandria smile the way I can’t always keep me awake at night. Playing with my baby seemed like a natural for Leo. They would play with the toys he brought from his trips. He would carry her around the house and hold her high like a bird. He would create beast images using his magic that would make my baby’s eyes twinkle like stars.
He was even able to get my princess to walk when he brought home a big doll one time. Will I be able to do that too?
I could only sigh in my heart as they continue to bond. I want to do the things he could and make her smile brighter than the sun, but I couldn’t. I don’t know how to play with children. I had to mature as soon as I learned how to walk because of our way of life. My fire element is too destructive for well-defined creations compared to Leo’s light magic. Not to mention my fear of breaking my child’s fragile body if I were to play with her the way Leo does.
Is this because I’m a woman?
My fears never left me, and no matter how much I try to overcome them with Leo’s help, they wouldn’t go away. I could feel them eating me from the inside. I know my father’s gone, and there is nothing he can do to invalidate my efforts in continuing his legacy. He can no longer criticize my plans in creating a better pirate organization or scrutinize me when it comes to proving my worth as their queen, but I am still his daughter. If he was the worst father a child can have, who’s to say I’m not the worst mother for Alexandria?
My people’s compliments on my daughter’s beauty would always sting my heart. I wasn’t sure whether how they view my daughter was a good or a bad thing. Is it alright for them to build an image of my daughter before she awakened?
The pressure of being a good mother added to my anxieties. I was so scared of failing the one thing I vowed not to that a year had passed in a blink of an eye.
It was already my child’s first birthday, and I couldn’t be happier. I understand Alexandria will never show me the same smile she makes whenever she’s with her father, so the least I could do is ensure her a childhood she won’t regret remembering.
While I was drowning in my own self-loathing and unwarranted pressure from the villagers, trying my best not to show any of them my weaknesses, I heard the sweetest voice echo across the house. There is only one being in the entire world who could utter simple words that could make even the gods pause and look at her.
Seeing my precious princess walk wobbly towards me, looking at no one else but me and trying her best to reach me, I could feel my heart skipping a beat. It was as if all my anxieties are nothing but meaningless worries.
It was the first time I’ve heard her call me ‘mama.’ It was the first time she spoke coherent words. It was also the first time she was looking straight at me, even with Leo around. I felt so overwhelmed about what was happening that I fell on my knees as I opened my arms, not realizing the tears falling at the corner of my eyes.
“Yes, baby? I’m here, my baby.”
I call out to her, trying my best not to choke on my words. My child was looking for me, calling for me, and wanting to come to me.
Alexandria, she wants me. Right?
After my baby’s birthday, one would think that my relationship with Alexandria would become more intimate, but that wasn’t the case at all. I felt like a rejected girl as Leo continued to bond with my princess, becoming closer than how they were before.
I wasn’t fond of my baby’s developing relationship with Leo instead of becoming more intimate with the one who gave birth to her. I was always annoyed whenever they laughed together or played with one another. All my daughter would give me were curious looks whenever I talk to her about the world. I want her to smile and laugh because of me too.
I’ve already lost count of how many times I wanted to lock Alexandria in my room or tie her around me to prevent anyone else from making her happy, especially Leo. But I couldn’t take away her father from her. The only reason stopping me from doing so was Leo’s routine trips to the sea, making him come home once every two to three months.
Sometimes, I scare myself whenever I think about how protective I am with my princess. She had an unworldly beauty that would most definitely make anyone fall for her, especially my people. We’re pirates, slavers, smugglers, and a band of morally incapable individuals who are honest with our desires. If I’m already struggling in keeping my wants in check whenever Alexandria’s involved, what more are my subjects?
I do believe that what I’m feeling is normal. It’s normal for mothers to be protective of their only baby. It’s all right for me to find my sweet little pea so adorable, even if all she does is sit on my lap as I knit her some clothes. It’s acceptable that I don’t like other people seeing my child in any way and monopolize her in every way. That’s how mothers are supposed to be, after all.
I thought I was starting to do a better job in raising Alexandria. She’s been walking around the room with my help and is learning faster than the kids her age. She remembers everything I tell her and is always curious about everything I do. Her eyes always brightened whenever I show her something new or tell her a little more about the world. Although I hide many things from her, I could still recognize that she was interested in everything I have to say by the way she looks at me.
My child really listens to me. I know she’ll become a great person in the future, not because of her gender or bloodline, it’s because of her curiosity and open-mindedness. She is nothing like her mother.
It wasn’t until I found out that she kept on sneaking out of the house early in the morning that I realized I hadn’t done anything right. My child hates being at home. She leaves so she could have some time alone. Alexandria puts up with me all because I’m her mother. She doesn’t want me. She wants to get away from me.
I could feel all my anxieties flooding back, choking me, suffocating me, drowning me. Regardless of what I’m feeling, what my child did was still wrong. She would’ve gotten seriously hurt if it weren’t for the barrier surrounding our house. I can’t leave her alone. Even if she’ll hate me, it’s a risk I’m willing to take in exchange for her safety.
I can’t let anyone get their hands on her.
When I banned Alexandria from leaving the house until her awakening, her eyes welled up, and tears started to fall. I heard my heart crashing down to the pits of my despair and break into a million pieces. It was her first time crying, and I’m the reason for her tears. I guess I’m just like my father.
Leo always knew how I felt. I don’t know how or why, but he could always tell whenever something is eating me up inside. I’ve always liked that about him. I knew I could count on him to manage the situation depending on how I’m feeling.
My husband laughed and tried to appease our child. He said many words and suggested things, but I didn’t have the heart to listen or refute him, so I gave my unanimous approval and retired to our room.
I considered locking myself inside until Alexandria’s awakening. Since Leo was postponing his voyage until our child’s birthday, I can leave my baby in his care. He’s doing a better job than me in raising her anyway. Unfortunately for me, I still am the mother of the household. I tried to distance myself from my child to avoid disappointing her any further. Leo’s doing a splendid job in teaching her the things he knows about pirating.
I wish I could also teach her some things or anything outside piracy. I wouldn’t want her to force herself to follow in our footsteps because that’s the only path we opened up for her.
While I was busy overthinking and wondering if I’ll ever be able to make it up to my child, she suddenly asked me to teach her how to read. I was stunned when she asked me after her lesson with Leo.
She came to me with an unkempt look. She had a loose shirt that was a little too big for her, a fastened pants that showed her long and petite legs, her dull-bladed scimitar that was also a little big for her. Beads of sweat trailed down her forehead, placing a shimmering glow on her neck, down to her collar bones. She hasn’t awakened, and yet there’s barely any baby fat left in her body.
She looked so captivating.
It took me a moment to realize what she was asking of me. My child wants to spend time with me and have me teach her how to read. Has she forgiven me, or is she giving me a chance to make it up to her? If I had approached my father bravely the way my child is instead of running away, would things have ended differently?
The day of her awakening came, and we discovered that she took after Leo in terms of magic. Her beauty bloomed after her awakening, making her more stunning than how she was the day before. I despised the way the village looked at her. How their eyes stripped her, and how they held their breaths while lusting after her whenever they see her. It was too much for me that I told Leo never to leave Alexandria’s side. I knew they would grow closer, but I can’t risk other people gawking over her.
I took this time to brief my officers about what I want to happen. I increased their workload and increased our productivity to give them less time to be idle enough and look at Alexandria. I also warned them about the sanctions I’ve imposed if ever they’ll think about doing something to my baby.
I knew that what I did isn’t the best solution, and it wouldn’t entirely suppress my people’s desires, especially the pirates. I genuinely believed that it would serve as a buffer for a couple of months or at least a year, but I was wrong.
One day, my child came home with a complicated expression. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that she witnessed one of my people pleasuring himself with a product.
I could barely keep myself in check when I heard what she had seen and heard. I wanted to burn all slavers then and there, but what my child did next blew all my anger away. She placed my hand between her legs, and I could feel her wetness at the back of my hand. I was overwhelmed with everything happening that I wanted to hide in my room out of embarrassment, but my child still needs me.
I led her to the bathroom to help her, but when she showed me her pink, luscious flower, all I could think about was how they would taste. Seeing my child like that made a mixture of different emotions surge within me.
I was annoyed at my people because they didn’t heed my warning. I was scared for my child because she might want to try these things despite her young age. I was confused why I found my child tantalizing when she sought my help in her current state. And I was disgusted with myself when I realized I was attracted to Alexandria the way a mother should never do.
Just like that, all the memories came rushing back like an unstoppable river. The countless times I’ve thought about how beautiful Alexandria is. The times I’ve considered myself the luckiest woman to have someone like her live under the same roof with someone like me. The times where all I could think about was her. The times I’ve imagines myself killing all those who looked at her lustfully. . . the way I do.
It isn’t normal for me to be this protective of my child. It isn’t normal for me to feel the butterflies in my stomach whenever she smiles at me. It isn’t normal to hate my husband for making her happy the way I can’t.
My feelings aren’t normal. I’m not normal. I’m a monster, a disgusting monster who can’t stop loving her daughter.
I guess that saying is true; ‘Like father, like daughter.’
No.
I am different from him.
I’m the worst.
Nihilum Creations 